When I lived in Italy, one of my students game me a ticket to an Italy v Spain friendly game. Result, I thought, until I found out that the ticket was in the Genoa section, the hated rivals of my beloved Sampdoria. Undeterred, I went along anyway and spent the ninety minutes biting my lip - the only course of action available to a true and loyal Samp fan surrounded by the vitriol-spouting inbred oiks that are Genoa fans. I was Luke Skywalker among twenty thousand Darth Vaders, and they had no inkling of my true identity.

When I am back on the island, sometimes going to a religious occasion is unavoidable. Be it a christening, a funeral or Christmas mass, I have to sit quietly in the pews between my folks, trying my best not to burst into devil flame while sprouting horns and a forked tail. I might perhaps manage to muster up a prayer or blessing or two to continue the pretence. I bet even one or two of the blinder members of the congregation have mistaken me for a believer.

What I am trying to say is that sometimes, despite generally being something of a blunt loudmouth, I can manage to suspend my beliefs and blend into the background when necessary.

Tonight, however, these abilities will undergo their sternest examination yet.

I am going to a vegetarian buffet with my two favourite veggobblers, sweetymon and nittygritty, and am skeptical as to whether I will be able to resist the urge pick up the nearest animal and start chewing on it.

I promise to try my best though. I just hope nittygritty doesn't bring her dog along.