I would be lying if I said that I didn't have a minor crisis after this post. Just the idea of me liking a baby seems so completely inconceivable that it made me fear that I may be doing something I have been scrupulously avoiding over the last years. Growing up, becoming an adult, developing human emotions - whatever you call it, it sounds nasty and something that should be a given a very wide berth.

So when my mother informed me that my brief return to the island will coincide with the baptism, christening, something of my newborn first cousin once removed (yes, really), it forced me to confront this baby issue once more. Of course I'll have to bring some sort of baby-appropriate gift back, even though my tendency would have been just to promise to get him a hooker and drunk on his sixteenth birthday, but that's a present that the parents are better off not knowing about.

So I enlisted the help of a female friend for the baby shopping expedition, one who seemed highly qualified for the role due to her having an infant sister and being slightly insane. I wanted something with Berlin written on it, or at least something that would make little Baby... shit, what is his name? Shit, is he even a he? Anyway, something that would make it think of its favourite first cousin once removed* * every time he looks at it.

So off we set, and I am incredibly pleased to report that the baby shop nearly made me vomit. Does everything really need to be so disgustingly cute? Isn't there any market for baby clothes that aren't sky blue or pink, and don't have horrible cute little teddybears plastered all over them? Is there anything to be said for a range of baby-suitable alcoholic beverages? How about baby tattoos? Or little cute nose piercings? I'd get them, for sure.

Anyway, we decided on a stripey jumpsuit thingy with a cute monster on it, but he did appear to have a glint in his eye that suggested he wouldn't be opposed to a bit of monster-like pillaging if the opportunity arose. With that, a very minute pair of shoes with footballs on them, and a hat that looks far too big. Babies do have really big heads though, so it should be fine.

As I was paying, the cashier told me that there's a thirty-day refund policy. Never mind, I responded hilariously, they're not for me anyway.

* anyone who wants to leave this post believing the title, DO NOT click on the 'Read more' below.
* *wouldn't I be his first cousin once added?

J+S

This is yours truly and Baby Jacques, who caused all the fuss in the first place.

I think it might be my favourite photo ever.