The wonderful Row has been resident in le Hotel du Rampage since Friday. We have been having lots of fun. She just left to ramble around town a few minutes ago, and I am lounging around my room with my feet up doing nothing.

She cooked me breakfast this morning, and spent all of yesterday afternoon and evening fetching me beers and pretty much everything else I demanded.

Is he really that bad of a host, I hear you holler. Well, yes and no. But to explain that would be skipping ahead in the report of this weekend, and frankly I have enough time to tell you all about it in exhaustive and uninteresting detail. So get comfortable.

Friday evening was spent in a Turkish beer garden with hundreds of enthusiastic Turks watching Croatia v Turkey. Pretty dull game until two minutes from the end when Turkish dreams were shattered. Luckily they were repaired a minute later, to set up a potential civil war here in Berlin on Wednesday - Germany v Turkey in the semi.

Turks are so wonderful to watch football with. They get so excited and are not aggressive afterwards, because most of them don't drink. And, flatteringly, a couple thought I was Turkish since I was wearing my Turkey jersey. This was especially wonderful since I was once told by a Turkish kid that I look like death because I'm so pale. Who's a laughing Turk now, Turkish kid? EH?

Saturday involved a day trip to a small town outside Berlin called Werder. It was my friend's birthday so a small gang of us brought food, booze and games along, found a nice spot on the shores of a river and ate and drank the day away while trying not to look at the fat old men in speedos or the naked kids frolicking.

There was a monumental game of Monopoly which was dominated by the utterly ruthless team of Rampie and Row - we* managed to piss off one of my friends so much that she lost her cool and hurled her remaining pennies and properties into my face. It was fine, we got to keep them. B)

Of course there was more football, the Russkis strolling though against the inneffecive Dutch in their stinkingly ugly orange yuk jersey. After celebrating my buddy's birthday in a playground (his request...), it was back to Berlin where a hot Swiss girl I am vainly trying to sleep with was having a house party. I proceeded to drink lots in order to have the courage to talk to her, but got distracted and ended up chatting with Row and Berlinlights for most of the time.

Fine, fine, I admit it, I did try to chat to her, but she actually just walked away from me. I mean, actually walked away mid-bloody-sentence.

As Berlinlights had missed his train (AGAIN! That guy...), we had another blog sleepover chez moi. There was a lot of farting, which was unusual as Kelly wasn't there. Not sure of Row or Berlinlights was to blame, but I can assure you all that it definitely wasn't me. Investigations are ongoing.

That's enough for now. You'll just have to wait until later this afternoon to find out why I transformed into the world's worse host. Time to bate your breath.

* I say 'we', but it was really just me being an antagonistic bastard. Row behaved with impeccable decorum, and restricted her unsportswomanlike behaviour to successfully distracting other players when we landed on their squares. A sure-fire success in the business world.