Der Himmel über Berlin

Blast from the past: 100 more things

by Rampage ^team @ Saturday, Aug. 02, 2008 – 02:28:51

1. The Polish music is so, so loud.

2. I really need to sleep but the only way I will get to do that is by calling the police on the bar downstairs, and I'm not going to do that.

3. I am in SUCH a better place in my life than I was when I did my other two 100 things in February.

4. I spent about two hours today looking for a white t-shirt so I can tie-dye it on camp next week.

5. The three beers that I drank tonight were my first in a week

6. That's pretty good for me

7. I washed my wallet today because is stank really really badly

8. I keep all my cinema stubs

9. I very often pay into the cinema for one film, but stay for two, sometimes three films

10. I prefer to go to the cinema alone

11. I have only walked out of one film ever - The Producers

12. I wanted to walk out of Lady In The Water but there were too many people around me

13. I fully expect to duplicate a lot of what I wrote in my other two 100 things, can't remember what I wrote any more

14. I am sad that it is August, that means the summer is almost over

15. I am very annoyed that I spend a month of my summer crippled

16. I used to read a lot, LOT more than I do now

17. When I have spare time now, I spend it doing things that are mostly not very constructive

18. People in the gym scare me

19. I'd like to get a tatoo but I am afraid to in case Rampage forty years from now resents my youthful lack of foresight

20. People would probably consider me a clean freak, even though my surroundings are usually mildly cluttered

21. I act as though I understand when people lose things - I really don't though

22. A very, very important friend of mine is leaving Berlin in a month

23. This will be the fifth time that a very important person has left my Berlin life, for various reasons

24. I'm getting used to it, and that is bad

25. My computer is playing music at its highest volume and it's still not enough to drown out the noise from below

26. I would have no problem being with someone who has a partner

27. I would never cheat on a partner

28. I hope I never care about anyone as much as I cared about my ex

29. I have had no contact with her for five months but I still think about her for a large proportion of every day

30. This no longer causes extreme sadness

31. I used to bite my nails as a kid, I stopped when I read somewhere that the amount of germs you ingest is akin to licking the inside of a toilet bowl

32. I cannot understand how people can want to do something but not be able to do it - giving up smoking, for example

33. I abhor indecisiveness

34. When in a group of people, I dislike that I often end up making a decision for the whole group

35. I rarely listen to song lyrics

36. I like music that sounds nice, nothing more

37. I can't sing and I can't dance

38. Sex in a foreign language is quite difficult

39. I want an iPhone but can't justify the cost

40. I really like that you get 8c for evey beer bottle that you bring back to the supermarket in Germany

41. I refuse to make shopping lists, I believe my brainpower to be sufficient to remember the things I need

42. I usually forget at least one thing when I go shopping

43. I prefer Aldi to Lidl, and there is absolutely no reason for this

44. I really enjoyed judging the Summer Writing Competition, and really hope that there is an Autunm one

45. When I was at university in Italy, I got a student card that has no expiry date on it

46. I expect to use it for ever

47. I have €1.70 in my pocket at the moment

48. I put all my copper change in a jar

49. I like that in Finland they don't use the ridiculous 1c and 2c coins

50. Forrest Gump is funny, but I haven't seen it for years

51. I like the feeling I get when I know that someone is relying on me and needs me

52. This extends to dogs

53. I'm very unlikely to do something I don't want to do purely out of politeness

54. My biggest pet hate is incorrect usage of stative verbs in a continuous tense - the McDonald's catchphrase 'I'm lovin' it' is grammatically incorrect

55. I think it would be difficult for me to ever live in an English-speaking country again

56. I love language barriers

57. I am fearsomely stubborn, but in an argument with someone clearly weaker than I am, I usually back down

58. Out of rage, I have smashed at least two mice playing Championship Manager

59. I don't play it any more

60. I think golf is stupid

61. I think basketball is even more stupid

62. I think there is a really good reason for pigeons, I just don't know what it is yet

63. I got new tyres and new vavles for my bike during the week and it's running like a dream

64. That said, the pedal fell off the next day

65. I've had my complete CD collection stolen twice

66. I never buy CDs any more

67. I'm a little bit scared of the dark

68. I really love translating

69. It frustrates me that people don't appreciate how difficult it is

70. I'm ashamed of how often I log in to facebook

71. The facebook scrabble is FUCKING SHIT, and Row knows it

72. Given the chance, there's not a single thing about myself that I would change

73. I had a past life as a Florentine merchant during the Renaissance, explaining my obsession with Italy

74. I sometimes worry that I might love Italy more than I love Ireland

75. The first time a girl told me she loved me was on a rainy Tuesday night in February outside the library in university in Galway

76. It never crossed my mind, not for a second, to say it back

77. The first time I told a girl I loved her was in our living room in Berlin in January 2007.

78. It was the most difficult thing I have ever said. (She said it back, for the record )

79. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, HOW FUCKING LOUD CAN THAT FUCKING NOISE BE!!!

80. I once watched Brokeback Mountain with a girl who jumped me when they sex scene started

81. I have never voted in my life

82. I cycle much more recklessly now that I have a bike helmet

83. I sometimes take a dislike to people for no real reason, and there is little that can be done to change this opinion

84. I moved apartment in April but there are still some things that I haven't unpacked

85. I am exceptionally excited about the Galway blogmeet, it will be strange being a guest in a place that I know so well

86. I think Flann O'Brien is one of the greatest geniuses ever

87. I refer to my two Irish friends in Berlin as 'The Micks'

88. I can't understand why people show me their feet when they find out that I hate feet, or eat cucumbers in front of me when they know it repulses me

89. Radiohead 'House of Cards' brings me very close to tears

90. I often wonder if my parents are proud of me

91. Northern Irish accents are really great

92. Spanish accents are annoying, but don't even get me started on French

93. When I was on crutches, the kindness of some people really touched me

94. I find it hard to throw out cardboard boxes, I am always convinced that they'll come in useful sometime

95. I'm going on camp tomorrow and I haven't packed anything at all yet

96. I wrote something here that was word for word what I wrote in my second 100 things

97. I know how incredibly lucky I am to be able to live the life I lead

98. I have a thing for girls with brown eyes

99. I am wearing light blue boxers

100. I'm off to call the police.

THUMPTHUMPTHUMP....THUMP...THUMP

by Rampage ^team @ Friday, Aug. 01, 2008 – 01:37:09

I really used to be quite fond of Poland.

They have some very nice beers, especially Tyskie.

I have also always been intruiged by the language. I like the 'L' with the line through it that's pronounced like an English 'W'.

Not to mention the mountains, of course - the Tatras on the border with Slovakia. Very, very beautiful indeed.

Speaking of beautiful, pretty much every Polish female I've ever seen falls into that bracket.

Over the last week, however, my opinions have changed somewhat. You see, in the apartment where I am dogsitting, there is a Polish bar directly downstairs. And, apparently, Polish music has only two volume settings: Brain Implodingly Loud and Eardrum Bashingly Loud.

You only ever hear Eardrum Bashingly Loud after you call them for the second time at SEVEN IN THE MORNING, threatening them with a police visit. Eardrum Bashingly Loud is the conciliatory volume, reserved for the appeasment of cantankerous old buggers like me.

I do have a number of ideas on how to overcome this problem.

1). Become a nocturnal being who sleeps during the day.
Would make working rather difficult though. Still, that's a minor issue.

2). Murder every single person down there, and torch the premises.
Aside from the logistics of torching a pub without the surrounding properties being damaged, I feel that this would only offer the very shortest of short-term relief.

3). Make a playlist of every Beethoven symphony and have it playing in my ears as I drift peacefully to sleep.
This works. Doesn't do anything about the vibrations, of course, but it works. Pity he only wrote nine though. Plus the first movement of the fifth always wakes me up. DADADA DUUUM!

4). Keep blogging rubbish all night until I fall asleep and dribble sleep-goo all over my keyboard.
Might give this one a try.

Who needs humans?

by Rampage ^team @ Thursday, Jul. 31, 2008 – 23:36:12

For the last week, I have been dogsitting for a buddy while he's out of town. Let's get the formalities out of the way - here's a photo for the cuteness freaks:

Jenkins is so much better than most people. True, she sheds more hair than most, and the constant pestering when there is food available grates a little, but in general, she's just the best.

I love the utter happiness that she displays when I come in at the end of the day. She gets so excited that she sprints all around the house, yapping excitedly, incandescent with joy. Heck, it's not even at the end of the day. If I pop out to leave out the rubbish, that's the greeting I get when I return two minutes later. How many people get so excited to see you that they almost wet themselves?

I didn't much like living on my own when I did it for a few months, but with a dog in the house, it's completely different. She domintes the house, but in a good way. How many people could do that?

She's also a really good listener. She'll lie there and never interrupt, unless it's for the occasional reassuing lick. There's no me me me with her. Sure, she'll let you know if she needs to go out and poo, but that's the extent of her needs. How many people are that simple?

She's not even really a dog. She doesn't waste her time with the usual doggy things. No fetching, no chasing things, no snapping at flies. She doesn't even bark properly. It's less of a 'WOOF' and more of a 'HUUUUUUUU'. Doesn't even like other dogs. I swear I can hear her tutting disdainfully when the another dog walks by.

Alas, our ways must part on Saturday. I'm not going to lie, it will be nice to sleep without smelly dog breath in my face all night. It will also be nice to be able to wear black clothes again. I'll really miss everything else about her though. She's the best.

shudders

by Rampage ^team @ Friday, Jul. 25, 2008 – 22:27:30

I'm just back from a wonderful week on English camp. I am wrecked.

Just want to share something with blogland though. We have a disco night on camp, and we have a 'Compliment Box' where the kids can send each other (and the teachers) anonymous notes.

This is a translation of one of the ones I got.

I love you truly and full-heartedly forever. I can't sleep, I toss and turn all night. You give my life meaning.

If it was a joke, it was a bloody hilarious one.

If it wasn't, well...

*looks over shoulders fearfully*

EDIT: A quick handwriting analysis identified the culprit as a twelve-year-old boy.

*looks over shoulder even more fearfully*

Midlife crisis? Yes, please

by Rampage ^team @ Friday, Jul. 18, 2008 – 21:41:26

My doc gave me a clean bill of health today. Four weeks of being careful, he assured me, will mean I'll be well able to climb Mont Blanc in September.

I immediately transferred the sum required to get me on a group expedition in mid-September. Hefty. It'd want to be - I've been saving for this for the last eighteen months. I joined a gym and started training pretty hard in January, single minded in my determination to complete this task.

So that Sunday almost four weeks ago, when I was lying on a bench beside the football pitch with my ankle the size of a tennis ball, the tears I was shedding had nothing to do with the physical pain I was in. I really thought I wasn't going to make it - all the saving, all the sacrifices rendered to nothing because of an incident that happened so fast I can't even replay it in my head.

I missed my warm-up trip to the Tatra mountains in southern Poland, where Poland's highest peak had been scheduled to be conquered by my intrepid climbing buddy and I. So frustrated with everyone and everything, myself above all.

Anyway, now it's on. I am grateful for the injury now. Now I know how much I want this. I know how much this means to me. It's an oft-preached banality, but we take the small things in life incredibly for granted. How easy it is to forget that something as utterly simple as climbing up as steep slope for a week can make one as happy as it is possible to be. I know, for me, that that is the pinnacle (yes, intended) of happiness.

I'll be at the top of Europe on September 18th. What to do then? I expect a mid-life crisis for a few months, until I have set the next expedition.

Time for a healthy dose of cynicism

by Rampage ^team @ Thursday, Jul. 17, 2008 – 16:14:01

...which happens to be rather hilarious too.

Obama is coming to Berlin on July 24th, and even though most Germans have a very positive perception of him, the visit is causing a lot of controversy. There's talk of him speaking at the Brandenburger Tor, the location of Ronald Reagan's famous "tear down this wall!" speech. The argument that allowing him to speak there despite only being a presidential candidate would cheapen the vast historical connotations of that site is a compelling one.

Rumours have it that he'll also throw a German phrase into his speech, taking a leaf out of JFK's famous "Ich bin ein Berliner" book. I'm betting on "Ich bin ein Kartoffelkopf", even though the word on the street has it that he'll say "Ich kann zuhören" (I can listen).

Anyway, my point is a big meh. I'll be in rural northern Germany when he is here, and that's fine by me.

So, when's McCain due?

Tea!

by Rampage ^team @ Thursday, Jul. 17, 2008 – 11:21:08

What a good idea.

Diagnosis: Blistering incompetence

by Rampage ^team @ Monday, Jul. 14, 2008 – 10:49:58

Since injuring my ankle on June 22nd, I have seen four different doctors.

The first one, in the hospital, couldn't examine my it properly as it was too swollen. Fair enough. He did X-ray it and he did tell me it wasn't broken.

The second doctor, a few days later, didn't even touch my foot and looked at it very briefly. He gave me an aircast to put on it but didn't show me how to use it. He told me I should decide myself if I could make my planned trip to the mountains in Poland, ten days from then.

I decided to find a new doctor.

The third doctor, the next day, showed me how to use the aircast. He X-rayed me again a week later and confirmed that my ankle wasn't broken or fractured. He told me not to put any weight on my foot and to tie the aircast as tightly as possible to my ankle all day, every day for the next four weeks. He told me to come back in mid August, when he would be able to tell me if my mid-September Mont Blanc trip would have to called off or not.

Last week I noticed that my ankle and leg were getting alarmingly thin, and my skin was reacting badly to the constant pressure of the aircast. My foot was constantly swollen for the same reason.

So today I went to a new doctor, highly recommended to me by one of my students. He informed me that if I had followed Doc 3's advice for the next four weeks, I'd need surgery to correct the damage to my foot. He instructed me to start walking immediately (I should have started a week ago) in order to re-grow the muscles that have died away. He informed me that the pigmentations on my skin caused by the aircast probably won't ever properly go away.

My initial euphoria at finally feeling like I'm on the road to recovery is slowly becoming diluted with extreme anger at the amount of incompetence has been shown by people who frankly cannot be trusted to look after their patient's well-being.

Ah, when I was young...

by Rampage ^team @ Thursday, Jul. 10, 2008 – 14:57:58

Spent some time on the u-bahn on the way to blog HQ today, and it threw up some interesting questions of etiquette.

Usually, I would offer my seat to little old ladies and generally be quite chivalrous. However, being a crutch-bearing cripple, I am no longer sure if this is expected of me. I would say that it isn't.

Still, I felt very odd when I got on a train and a little old lady got up to offer me her seat. Of course I didn't accept, but how fecking pathetic must I look to make a little old lady get up for me?

And then there's the other side of it - the people who make absolutely no effort whatsoever to help, pretty much pushing me out of the way. They're usually teenagers.

Damn teenagers. Can't wait to go on camp in two weeks. Breaking some spirits will make me feel better.

Waiter, there's a kangaroo in my hair

by Rampage ^team @ Monday, Jul. 07, 2008 – 18:13:08

I was just downstairs in a restaurant really close to my apartment. Not a very high brow place, but they make decent pizzas.

I went for a kangaroo steak stir fry in a mushroom sauce. My visiting friend went for lamb chops.

It was nothing special, just fulfilling my hungover desire for flesh of deceased animal. I was three-quarters through it when I found the hair. It was cooked into a chunk of kangaroo meat.

I'm not a very squeamish person; I pulled it out, put the chunk to once side and continued eating.

I found another, and felt I had not choice but to call the waitress over. She looked as disgusted as I did, and took it away. Within moments, a huge Turkish man with a face-obscuring handlebar moustache was at my table, telling me (and this is not a lie) that the hair was part of the mushroom sauce.

Yes. The hairs, the long wiry black hairs that bore a startling resemblance to the ones perched upon the waitress' head, were part of the dish.

She made as to put the plate back in front of me.

We left, but after paying the full amount. We did not leave a tip.

I feel nauseous.

Safety

by Rampage ^team @ Tuesday, Jul. 01, 2008 – 20:08:28

I like that I haven't left my apartment today. I'm not going to either. Last Friday, I only left my bedroom twice, in order to excrete. I had considered just doing it out the window but, in a rare moment of clear thought, decided against it.

I taught a class yesterday - my students were so upset at the idea of not seeing me before the summer break that they picked me up beforehand and dropped me off afterwards. Pity my sense of self-worth was dulled by a nasty hangover from the previous night. Fecking Spaniards.

Hmm, what else? My housemate has appeared to have stepped into the nursey void left by Row's departure, dutifully keeping me supplied with cups of tea, the only thing I have still not figured out how to transport when blighted with these crutches. Well, all liquids, in fact. With the result that my plants, Bruno and Sidney, are slowly but surely dying of thirst.

Yep, it's going to be hard to re-adapt to real life. Not even sure I want to now.

Bored, doing a meme

by Rampage ^team @ Saturday, Jun. 28, 2008 – 13:56:52

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
Can't drive, don't have a car. My bike doesn't have a back seat

2. When was the last time you threw up?
Over a year ago, because of this.

3. Whats your favorite curse word?
At the moment, shitnuts

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Matt
Row
erm...

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Sleeping

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Watching Top Gun

7. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Nope, a little too seedy for me

8. What is the last thing you said aloud?
Oh yeah

9. When is your birthday?
Dec 23rd

10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Anything fruity, especially strawberry and lemon

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water

12. What are you wearing right now?
T-shirt, undies, shorts, glasses, armband made from wool, cotton sock, aircast

13. What is the last thing you ate?
Bread with cheese, pesto and salami

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Nope, but watching some stuff on eBay.

15. When was the last time you ran?
Seconds before my ankle went crack last Sunday.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched?
Spain v Russia on Thursday evening

17. What's the last sport you played?
Football last Sunday

18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
Never, I despise myspace with the buring passion of the fires of hell

19. Ever go camping?
Yep, every family holiday when I was a kid was in a tent. Plus a festival here and there

20.Do you have a tan?
In a way

21.Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
Dignity on an almost daily basis

22.What is your guilty pleasure?
Crisps

23.Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
not excessively

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
Never drink the filthy shite

27. What are you doing tomorrow?
Whinging about my ankle, watching DVDs, the usual

28. Where is your mom right now?
Making dinner at home, I'd imagine

29. Look to your left, what do you see?
Quite a lot. Two phones, bread, a pen, a bottle of water, an empty beer bottle, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a plant, a speaker, a tiny bottle of vodka, my keys, the wall.

30. What color is your watch?
Don't have one

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Too much to write

32. Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Yep, they make me very nauseous

33. What is your birthstone?
What?

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive through?
Don't eat fast food, don't drive

35. What is your favorite number?
23

36. Do you have a dog?
No, but I will be dogsitting for a week next month, which I am really looking forward to

37. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Matt

38. Have you met anyone famous?
yep, Damon Hill and Damien Rice

39. Any plans today?
Yep, gaming with a buddy then off to the work summer party.

40. How many provinces have you lived in?
Difficult question. In Ireland: Two. In Italy: three or four. In Germany: One.

41. Ever go to college?
Yep, wasn't much fun

42. Where are you right now?
In my room

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
My left ankle by a very significant distance

44. Last song listened to?
In God's Country - U2

46. Are you allergic to anything?
My hometown

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
My shoes don't fit at the moment, usually I wear a pair of brown erm... shoes.

48. Taste in your mouth right now?
Nothing really

49. Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes, everyone that can walk

50. Is anyone jealous of you?
Usually I would say yes, but for the next six weeks I would say no.

51. Do you love anyone?
Very difficult question to answer. I'm sure if I had seen her in the last four months, I would say yes. Since I haven't, I'll say no.

52. Do any of your friends have children?
One is pregnant.

53. Do you eat healthy?
Not really, but at least I know that the question should be 'Do you eat healthily', or 'Do you eat healthy food'.

54. What do you usually do during the day?
Breathe, excrete, teach, blog, speak, consume.

55. Do you hate anyone right now?
Never have and hopefully never will

58. Do you own any big sunglasses?
Average sized, I would say.

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Don't know what that is

60. How did you get one of your scars?
Football, surprise surprise

Am I still sane?

by Rampage ^team @ Friday, Jun. 27, 2008 – 13:37:42

I wish there was something more than a busy street and a tree outside my bedroom window, then at least I could stare that the neighbours.

Ooh, Rear Window remake! Mmm, Grace Kelly...

That's it. Auditions are open. I am James Stewart, I need a Grace Kelly. Form an orderly queue, ladies...

Although I do have the SPD headquarters outside my window too. I could spy on them and uncover some huge Europe-wide conspiracy. Maybe they're planning to kick Ireland out of the EU because of the Lisbon Treaty debacle. I'd be screwed then. I'd have to marry someone in order to stay here.

That's it. Auditions are open. My citizenship is about to become worthless, I need a sham marriage. Form an orderly queue, ladies and gentlemen*...

AAAAAaaaarrrggggGGGGhhhhhHHHH!!

I need to get out of here!

*Same-sex marraiges are perfectly legal here, but are easier to dissolve so a man-wedding is preferable...

stares into space

by Rampage ^team @ Wednesday, Jun. 25, 2008 – 13:56:08

Jeez, I'm bored.

Day four of being housebound and I have watched stupid amounts of Peep Show, spent hours reading random blogs, bought lots of things I can't afford on eBay and, well, that's pretty much it.

It's incredible that I can't find the time to clean up my rubbish tip of a room. This is strange for someone who is normally rather proactive. I am also grumpy and frustrated with the people who are trying to help me. Some of my friends even have bitemarks on their hands from when they were trying to feed me.

Found a non-striking doc and he was rubbish. Didn't even touch my foot, but he did give me a cool aircast to go around my ankle, and he did tell me I'll be fine in six weeks. He also did not forbid me to go to Poland, but that doesn't fill me with confidence as he really didn't seem to give a shit in any way. Might find a new foot doc when the lazy bastards stop striking next week.

Getting better with the crutches. The German for crutch is Gehstock, which means go-stick. I think that's really great. My initial euphoria at angrily shaking my crutches at things has dissipated. They pretty much suck ass.

So, who wants to see my ankle? Since I understand that most of you would rather do anything but that, if you want to you can click on the link below. It is a little nasty.

The crack was mighty

by Rampage ^team @ Monday, Jun. 23, 2008 – 16:21:42

As Brad and Rob know, my weekly Sunday game of football is utterly non-negotiable - I will not miss it for something as trivial as guests coming to visit. Row was offered the chance to have a sleep in and catch up with us later, but she decided to come along for a giggle.

I wasn't playing particularly well when a loose ball broke free. Completely unmarked, I attempted to control the ball with my right when I suddenly lost balance, turning very hard on my left ankle. I heard a crack on the way down and my ankle was already the size of a tennis ball.

Strangely, there was no pain. The only pain I was experiencing was the thought that my mountain-walking trip to Poland in two weeks was not going to happen, and even Mont Blanc in September was improbable. And that was rather significant and made me cry.

Got driven to the hospital by a friend, accompanied by the wonderful Row, who got to wheel me around the hospital in a wheelchair. By this point I had banished the idea of not having mountain fun for the foreseeable future to the back of my head and was enjoying being treated like a lord.

Got the X-ray done remarkably quicky and the news was mostly good - no breaks or fractures, but the ankle was far too swollen to be properly examined. The doc reckoned that it's either a really bad sprain, in which case I'll be grand in two weeks, or it's tendon damage, which will need an operation.

So the only option left available to us was to take a taxi home and drink booze and watch Peep Show. Which we did. Bloody hell, Peep Show is the greatest. When we had watched all of Series 5, we went back to Series 1. Eventually though, it was just too much to take so we played a hard-fought game of Scrabble. I don't want to talk about the result, except to say the QI is NOT A WORD, ROW! NO! And it turned a nine-point victory for me into a two-point mugging. Growl.

Still, shouldn't complain, I was supplied with beer and cool packs for my ankle all afternoon. I felt guilty about it until the Scrabble incident.

Then, of course, more football. We were joined by some buddies, who thoughtfully brought along food for the housebound folk. We had earlier made a short foray to my local doner shop, widely recognised as the best in the whole world, but it was such bloody hard work with crutches that we took a decadent taxi back. On the way to the doner shop, I got to wave my crutch at a car filled with Spaniards - they were beeping at the Italian colours that we had covered ourselves with. Crutch waving is excellent. Made me feel like the grumpy old man I can't wait to be.

The result? Well, I don't want to talk about that one either. Suffice to say that if Luca Toni was really the pregnant giraffe he appears to be, he would have been put down long ago for SEVERE USELESSNESS. I felt that I would have been more effective, even with an ankle the size of San Marino. Oh, and AJ, the TV was saved by the fact that I was utterly immobile.

So this morning, we had a well-deserved sleep in before commencing breakfast. It had begun as a co-operative operation, but my wobbliness and clumsiness soon banished me to a seat at the table. I think everyone benefitted from this, the scrambled egg with tomatoes and zucchino turned out very satisfyingly.

I armed Row with a guidebook and an itinerary, including the amazing chocolate shop of Fassbender and Rausch. Row assured me that if she doesn't return, it's because she died and went to chocolate heaven. I'm sure blogland will forgive me if I inadvertantly sent one of our best bloggers to her death.

After much pottering around, I headed out to see a nearby orthopedic doctor. Arriving to the surgery bathed in sweat (it's hot and crutches suck), I was upset to find that doctors are on strike for the next week. What fucking marvellous timing, assholes.

So here I am. Bored. Better get used to it; I'm going to be immobile for a while.

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